Communication is Key
Communication is truly an amazing thing. There are so many different forms, often times we forget that words aren't the only thing showing how we feel. One way to look at the breakdown of communication is by putting it in three categories. These categories are, 1.) Words, 2.) Tone, and 3.) Non-verbal. Studies show that words make up 14% of communication, tone makes up 35%, and non-verbal 51%. I can already see how true this is in my own life because I'm almost always an open book. I often times find myself having a hard time controlling my non-verbal gestures, facial expressions more than anything.
Even though we each express ourselves differently and have different flaws in communication, there are ways we can make up for some of those flaws. David D. Burns wrote a book called "Feeling Good Together." In this book there is something called the 5 secrets of communication, these are ways to help us improve relationships specifically. I would like to take a moment to talk about some of these.
The 5 secrets of communication are:
1.) Disarming Technique
2.) Express Empathy (Thought & Feeling)
3.) Inquiry
4.) "I feel"
5.) Stroking
I would like to focus mainly on the first three, and briefly touch on the last two. I am almost certain that each of us will have found ourselves in a situation where we could have used these things, or where someone we know could have used them. To start things off, for these secrets to actually work we need to want a change to happen in the relationship. If we aren't sincere they wont work as effectively.
Lets say that there was an argument between a couple. The disarming technique is when you look for the "kernel of truth." There is usually always so truth in what is being said even if it is offensive. We need to humble ourselves and look for that bit of truth and admit to it. This will keep the argument or conflict from escalating or becoming worse.
Expressing empathy is when we put ourselves in their shoes and say something like "That must have been really hard for you, I can see how that would make you feel..."
Inquiry is when you ask what it is that you can do to prevent them from feeling that way again.
Switching gears a little bit, something interesting to think about is what happens when we get into an argument and don't try to apply these principals. When one person starts saying things about the other, that person will get defensive. Even though it seems like we might just be defending ourselves we are usually doing it by attacking the other. In sports like boxing and MMA, a defensive and offensive stance usually look the same.
I know for a fact that these different tactics work. When you are honest and sincere things work out so much better. It takes time and might not be easy to apply those 5 secrets if you are constantly fighting, but it will improve your relationship so much. Especially if you are able to let go of blame. Blaming yourself or others is an easy way of easily ruining relationships.
Even though we each express ourselves differently and have different flaws in communication, there are ways we can make up for some of those flaws. David D. Burns wrote a book called "Feeling Good Together." In this book there is something called the 5 secrets of communication, these are ways to help us improve relationships specifically. I would like to take a moment to talk about some of these.
The 5 secrets of communication are:
1.) Disarming Technique
2.) Express Empathy (Thought & Feeling)
3.) Inquiry
4.) "I feel"
5.) Stroking
I would like to focus mainly on the first three, and briefly touch on the last two. I am almost certain that each of us will have found ourselves in a situation where we could have used these things, or where someone we know could have used them. To start things off, for these secrets to actually work we need to want a change to happen in the relationship. If we aren't sincere they wont work as effectively.
Lets say that there was an argument between a couple. The disarming technique is when you look for the "kernel of truth." There is usually always so truth in what is being said even if it is offensive. We need to humble ourselves and look for that bit of truth and admit to it. This will keep the argument or conflict from escalating or becoming worse.
Expressing empathy is when we put ourselves in their shoes and say something like "That must have been really hard for you, I can see how that would make you feel..."
Inquiry is when you ask what it is that you can do to prevent them from feeling that way again.
Switching gears a little bit, something interesting to think about is what happens when we get into an argument and don't try to apply these principals. When one person starts saying things about the other, that person will get defensive. Even though it seems like we might just be defending ourselves we are usually doing it by attacking the other. In sports like boxing and MMA, a defensive and offensive stance usually look the same.
I know for a fact that these different tactics work. When you are honest and sincere things work out so much better. It takes time and might not be easy to apply those 5 secrets if you are constantly fighting, but it will improve your relationship so much. Especially if you are able to let go of blame. Blaming yourself or others is an easy way of easily ruining relationships.
Comments
Post a Comment